I need them.

I need all of them.

plain and simple.

even if they dont realize it.

I love them too much to even care about how I feel anymore. So,

I need them.

Just another mind rant

I wonder where I will be in a few years.
Just what college will I go to,
what friends will I have,
how successful will I be?
Hell I don't know, its hard to decide or even think about.

I have wishes, many of them, its odd to watch them change over time.
Just who will I date? Will it be my current boyfriend? a stranger? a friend I've known while I've dated my boyfriend?
Will I change my mind on what I want to be? It could change to anything, at any time.
The friends I have now, will they keep talking? In a few years will I be anything more than just a memory?

Why is everything a mystery...
Why can't I just know what happens? Then I wouldn't have to sit here and worry constantly
Am I doing the right thing?

I hate how life is a huge mystery, and I hate being the person
who doesn't know what the fuck she's doing.

I sit here asking

all of these questions, all of these things.
I ask why people move, why people die, why people grow apart from each other.
I get no answer from some man in the sky
I get no answer from some man in the ground
I get no answer from man himself.
Why am I the way I am, who exactly helps shape who I am?
Its like I'm some piece of clay constantly being sculped.
Each artist, sits down and takes their time, until their hands are so dry, that they let a new artist try their luck.
Who are the few who tap on the artist shoulder to return to their previous work?
I dont know, I wish I did.

People are leaving, and I can't do anything about it.
Some aren't far, a few miles, maybe a city away.
But some are states away, some I will miss so much.

Some that I miss, I was extremely comfortable with, so close to.
Mr.R, Mr.H, Ms. K
Im so comfortable with them, beyond what you know.
I could walk in a room and be greeted with a hug, one that lasts longer than normal
a smiling face that asks simply how my day was, giving either sympathy or happiness with the response.
For no reason, a hand or two to hold, just because we can.
What makes the bounderies between friends? is it dating somebody else? the fact that people who are dating hold hands? hugging?
Who knows what it is, its odd to have friends who are close who I dont do that with, I want to but I dont, because I fear of what they will think.

for those of you who didnt know, dont compare to someone else in front of my face.
it makes me feel like Im just not good enough for you
Im not good enough of a friend.
I'm sorry.

~nat

a post on my gaia journal

"I've had this pit in my stomach feeling, like something just wasn't right.It's a feeling that is just so sad, it makes me want to cry.

However I dont know what it is, that is what is pissing me off so bad.I want to be happy, I really really do, but I just can't.worst part is, I kinda feel like shutting everyone out so I can think. But there are some people that I just can't do that to. but there are some that I just need out for the time being.

Some part of me is stuck on something.
Upset about something, and can't get rid of it.

And Im sure I'll feel like this next year...I guess a welcome to hell would work from the "devil" right about now.

Koromi Lala is now offline."

Recent findings....

been a little time since I last blogged, I think its time for a good rant, I have a few new findings that bug me, so lets begin.





Ehem.





My visit to washington/maryland;


overall I guess it was pretty good, washington was a sight to behold, I wish I could have seen more. Alas it would take 50 years to look at everything, and I dont have that time.


Things on the homefront weren't so good.


I spent the 10 days worth with a close friend of mine


whenever she stays there, she complains about how bad it is.


to be honest, it isnt that bad.


Sure, the stepmom is a little bit of a neat-freak


yeah she has an annoying younger sister


okay, her dads a bit concerned about her.


But whats the problem with that really? I dont see anything to truely hate.


Plus I can see why her father is so concerned, she never leaves her room!


which let me tell you, can get tiring all in its own.


I mean, I like contact more than I let off sometimes, I thrive for people and attention (sounds sickening, bleh I digust myself sometimes)


all she does is sit on the computer, and Im here like "uhh, you can move the laptop DOWNSTAIRS, you know."


so many excuses she has, its crazy.


she doesnt really seem to care extremely about the twins (babies)


there is some emotion, just not alot of it, she says its cause she didnt want her father and stepmom to have children


what would the babies do?


Sure they change plans alot,but every baby does that.


Plus, it wasnt fair to her stepmom, who wanted to have children.


she didnt seem to like my visit very much, felt almost like the rest of her family liked me more than her.


that really hurts to be honest, almost like a waste of time.

Next up, british people!

I'v come to notice how NASTY british girls are to each other, good god I've never seen such disgusting people.

God bless megan for going through this strong, they are terrrible.

the thing I love reading most is,

"I hate girls, I just really do, can't stand them, fuck them all."

Oh wow really? Hate them that much? damn sugar, thats rough.

but uhh, how about you open you open your eyes.

point one. You complained about how they cause so much drama, but the ironic thing is, I've watched YOU cause drama, all the way here in the US!

point two. You talked about how you are more close to your male friends. You know, I see no problem in that, but here's the kicking line, quoted;

"I’m not joking when I say this, I mean it seriously. I don’t get why so many girls have a problem with me… So what I prefer to hang out with guys because I feel like I can get on with them better and they aren’t as bitchy? I’m sorry for not being who you want me to be, okay?"

the reason why loads of girls hate you sweetpea, is because you are a fucking bitch. You've chewed out my best friend for doing nothing, .N.O.T.H.I.N.G. you pick fights, you pick on people, and thats pretty low. but the only reason why you do it is because of how low you think of yourself, which is a bullshit excuse, I think low of myself and do go up to someone and go "hey, just so you know, I really hate your personality, it pisses me off, stop. KAYTHANKSBYE!"

Im proud of megan for pushing other friends away who were dirt, I just hope she can tell Miss little pole-up-her-ass to fuck off. if not, I'll do it gladly :]

Last little bit, won't be long.

I miss my friends :[ this next year is going to be tough without them.

I'm gonna be sad alot next year, I can feel it.

people whom I miss;

Jon, Megan, Greg, Jared, Micah, Michael, Kayla, Felicia, Jonathan, Patrick, Annie, Lily, Anne

well Im tired of my ranting, until next time.

Bai bai

nat

recently (music quotes in this one)

"THINK before your make up your mind! You dont seem to realize, I could do this on my own. And if I fall, I'll take it all. Believe me, its alright, its so easy after all."

Recently, hmm how have I been feeling?
Depressed, confused, thoughtful, thinking and loved.
I think thats a weird combo.
How do I begin to explain. I guess with the depressed.

"If I had only knew, the days were slipping passed. That the good things never last. That you were crying."

Well I've been sad recently about my friends leaving highschool. Many have said that its nothing to worry about, and that I will still talk to them, and everything will be fine.
I know this, Im not a dumb shit.
But the thing I want them to understand is that everytime I make bestfriends, they leave, go away in some form. Doesnt matter how far, Im going to miss them.
Like katie, I miss her.
Like megan, I miss her.
and with my friends now? I'll miss them too.
When I first moved, I was depressed, and had a completely different personality, I had changed it all.
which comes to my next subject, confusion.

"Is everyone here make-believe? ...Been crying for days now..."

Just who am I? Who am I really?
There have been three natalies, three versions of my personalities. Three different people.

First there was the young me, the one I grew up with all my life.
I was the girl to pick on, it was easy.
Hair that wasnt perfect, weight that wasnt average, and feelings that could be hurt in a heartbeat.
I was like candy to everyone else to make themselves feel better.
After a few years, I stopped caring, stopped giving a shit. I was weird, but I had friends.
Friends who loved me.
Right?
Friends who would poke fun at me, I would twist their words so it was all okay.
I became the comic relief, the one who made you laugh.
I met megan, and I became a sheild for her, from all the insults people would say.
Verbal abuse was easy to me, so I took it instead. I didnt mind at all.
To all of my friends, I was the ugly duckling. Fine by me.
And then my imperfect little world came crashing down. I was moving
Megan was moving.
Depression.

Thats when the last me came to life. I was constantly down. I wasn't happy.
No, not for a single minute.
So I decided, why care? why give a fuck?
So I didnt, all 8th grade I didnt give a shit about anything.
Making out in front of the movies? who cares?
Mom found out? big deal.
Grades slipping? Fuck that.
People talking shit about me? Who gives a flipping fuck about that.
Grounded again for the up-teenth time? Awesome, lets push the limits more.
I lied to myself so much. So so much, all of that mattered. I forced my family away, my friends werent real. They didnt like me, I dont think they did. I dont know why I did it. Why didnt I stop myself somehow? all of it mattered?
Its easy I think, I was depressed, hanging with the wrong people, mad at the world from taking what was my life, megan.
Katie was a breath of fresh air when we became friends, god I needed her.
I think it was her who began to make me into the me I am now.

But the one who finished it was Jared, he was one of the people I was willing to cry for.
I would sit there and cry for hours, because some of the things that happened to him he didnt need, I didnt understand it. So he didn't need to feel bad, I cried so he wouldnt have to, he knew it too. I would still do that, I would do that for alot of people now.
Jared (although I dont think he knows) helped me realize that what was my depression didnt matter, I had already begun to bring my grades up by freshman year, I began to care about family more, but he pushed it to the point where I could be happy, by giving me new friends. It's like Im on pure oxygen, its so good.

So there are three versions of me
protective, small-willed, funny, easy to hurt
Shameless, depressed, spiteful, downer
Caring, hard-worker, somewhat willed, concerned

Which one am I? or to phrase it better, which is the true me?
Who am I really?
Who is this girl who walks around, day by day, going on with her life.
Which one am I.

"I used to rule the world."

Thinking and thoughtful come in with the last two expressions, so does love, I get it everyday from people I know.
But I've always wondered if it was real love. from my friends I mean, I hope they are true.
I hope it isnt fake, just all for nothing.

One of my worst fears is to be alone, I've been there once, I never want to go back.

"And now you wish that you meant something.... And now you wish that you meant something to somebody else."

Thoughts are annoying.
Im out.
~nat

Its about time

I came to realize what I've been hiding. Sadly I've been avoiding the truth for a few months, even when it was occuring.
It was just recently, actually that I told anyone, and it was a few of my close friends.
I made a nice little mental wall to keep the thoughts at a nice distance, but I knew it wouldnt last, and what do you know it didnt.
I find this an easy way to get it off my chest and finally get passed it, for some of you reading (my close friends) it will be something new, something I didnt want you to know, or even myself to know for that matter.

You all know I dated someone, and we broke up, we dated for a long long time.
But the one thing I hid was the fact that I was happy, and that there was something very wrong.
It wasnt huge, not the full blown effect,but there was indeed abuse.
Bruises that is, on my arms usually, I hid them with long sleeves and jackets, its why I never wore short sleeves.
Some of it, I know, wasn't on purpose. But some of it was.
He said sorry, more than once actually. But I always wondered if it was really from his heart.

I played happy, I pretended to be happy. Sometimes when it was happening, I was happy, because it WASNT happening, but slowly it did get worse, and slowly I was breaking.
Until I had had enough.
Thats one of the main reasons why I left, because I knew I didnt need that, I knew that it wasnt best for me.
Now I'm happy to say that have that off my chest, its the main reason why I did this blog, because a dear friend told me I shouldnt keep that locked inside.
And she was right, now that I've let it out in some way, I feel a hell of alot better.

I didnt do this for you to get pissed off and go shoot the guy, I did this for myself
I know thats selfish, but it needed to be done.