Tuesday, May 26, 2009

recently (music quotes in this one)

"THINK before your make up your mind! You dont seem to realize, I could do this on my own. And if I fall, I'll take it all. Believe me, its alright, its so easy after all."

Recently, hmm how have I been feeling?
Depressed, confused, thoughtful, thinking and loved.
I think thats a weird combo.
How do I begin to explain. I guess with the depressed.

"If I had only knew, the days were slipping passed. That the good things never last. That you were crying."

Well I've been sad recently about my friends leaving highschool. Many have said that its nothing to worry about, and that I will still talk to them, and everything will be fine.
I know this, Im not a dumb shit.
But the thing I want them to understand is that everytime I make bestfriends, they leave, go away in some form. Doesnt matter how far, Im going to miss them.
Like katie, I miss her.
Like megan, I miss her.
and with my friends now? I'll miss them too.
When I first moved, I was depressed, and had a completely different personality, I had changed it all.
which comes to my next subject, confusion.

"Is everyone here make-believe? ...Been crying for days now..."

Just who am I? Who am I really?
There have been three natalies, three versions of my personalities. Three different people.

First there was the young me, the one I grew up with all my life.
I was the girl to pick on, it was easy.
Hair that wasnt perfect, weight that wasnt average, and feelings that could be hurt in a heartbeat.
I was like candy to everyone else to make themselves feel better.
After a few years, I stopped caring, stopped giving a shit. I was weird, but I had friends.
Friends who loved me.
Friends who would poke fun at me, I would twist their words so it was all okay.
I became the comic relief, the one who made you laugh.
I met megan, and I became a sheild for her, from all the insults people would say.
Verbal abuse was easy to me, so I took it instead. I didnt mind at all.
To all of my friends, I was the ugly duckling. Fine by me.
And then my imperfect little world came crashing down. I was moving
Megan was moving.

Thats when the last me came to life. I was constantly down. I wasn't happy.
No, not for a single minute.
So I decided, why care? why give a fuck?
So I didnt, all 8th grade I didnt give a shit about anything.
Making out in front of the movies? who cares?
Mom found out? big deal.
Grades slipping? Fuck that.
People talking shit about me? Who gives a flipping fuck about that.
Grounded again for the up-teenth time? Awesome, lets push the limits more.
I lied to myself so much. So so much, all of that mattered. I forced my family away, my friends werent real. They didnt like me, I dont think they did. I dont know why I did it. Why didnt I stop myself somehow? all of it mattered?
Its easy I think, I was depressed, hanging with the wrong people, mad at the world from taking what was my life, megan.
Katie was a breath of fresh air when we became friends, god I needed her.
I think it was her who began to make me into the me I am now.

But the one who finished it was Jared, he was one of the people I was willing to cry for.
I would sit there and cry for hours, because some of the things that happened to him he didnt need, I didnt understand it. So he didn't need to feel bad, I cried so he wouldnt have to, he knew it too. I would still do that, I would do that for alot of people now.
Jared (although I dont think he knows) helped me realize that what was my depression didnt matter, I had already begun to bring my grades up by freshman year, I began to care about family more, but he pushed it to the point where I could be happy, by giving me new friends. It's like Im on pure oxygen, its so good.

So there are three versions of me
protective, small-willed, funny, easy to hurt
Shameless, depressed, spiteful, downer
Caring, hard-worker, somewhat willed, concerned

Which one am I? or to phrase it better, which is the true me?
Who am I really?
Who is this girl who walks around, day by day, going on with her life.
Which one am I.

"I used to rule the world."

Thinking and thoughtful come in with the last two expressions, so does love, I get it everyday from people I know.
But I've always wondered if it was real love. from my friends I mean, I hope they are true.
I hope it isnt fake, just all for nothing.

One of my worst fears is to be alone, I've been there once, I never want to go back.

"And now you wish that you meant something.... And now you wish that you meant something to somebody else."

Thoughts are annoying.
Im out.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Its about time

I came to realize what I've been hiding. Sadly I've been avoiding the truth for a few months, even when it was occuring.
It was just recently, actually that I told anyone, and it was a few of my close friends.
I made a nice little mental wall to keep the thoughts at a nice distance, but I knew it wouldnt last, and what do you know it didnt.
I find this an easy way to get it off my chest and finally get passed it, for some of you reading (my close friends) it will be something new, something I didnt want you to know, or even myself to know for that matter.

You all know I dated someone, and we broke up, we dated for a long long time.
But the one thing I hid was the fact that I was happy, and that there was something very wrong.
It wasnt huge, not the full blown effect,but there was indeed abuse.
Bruises that is, on my arms usually, I hid them with long sleeves and jackets, its why I never wore short sleeves.
Some of it, I know, wasn't on purpose. But some of it was.
He said sorry, more than once actually. But I always wondered if it was really from his heart.

I played happy, I pretended to be happy. Sometimes when it was happening, I was happy, because it WASNT happening, but slowly it did get worse, and slowly I was breaking.
Until I had had enough.
Thats one of the main reasons why I left, because I knew I didnt need that, I knew that it wasnt best for me.
Now I'm happy to say that have that off my chest, its the main reason why I did this blog, because a dear friend told me I shouldnt keep that locked inside.
And she was right, now that I've let it out in some way, I feel a hell of alot better.

I didnt do this for you to get pissed off and go shoot the guy, I did this for myself
I know thats selfish, but it needed to be done.