Friday, March 27, 2009

So excited

for next week, it's going to be so much fun :]
I'm so happy for once! although recently I've perked up alot
I have this feeling that everything will end well, and I'm very happy to think that.
It's odd, I don't have much of anything to confess or get off my chest for once! I think it's weird.
But hey, a happy natalie is always a good natalie.


Thursday, March 26, 2009

I'm clean.

I've realized, that going clean was good.
Sure, I had my burns, but nothing as bad as I had originally thought.
I think, I'm okay.
And that, in and among itself, is great.
I no longer feel a weight on my shoulders.
No longer worrying,
No longer wondering.
I guess what makes me happy the most, is that there wasn't an end to anything.
But maybe, a beginning to something much better.
I want to wait some stuff out, give things some time.
Hopefully, things could go my way.
Although I don't know what way that is yet.
Oh well, I'm much happier now, more focused.
I'm no longer clouded.
I hope this year turns out to be great, so far, its gone pretty good.
I have these great friends, that I care for so much.
I really need them, more than they know honestly.
For awhile, all of my friends had moved, many had grown apart,
I felt alone.
But then things changed, without them, my life would be so dull.
Thank god they saved me.
I need to thank every single one of them, for making me realize,
that I have an amazing life.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

And now

I begin to wash memories, any hopes, away.

In a few days, I might be better, until then, I'll be a living wreck.


Time for the mask, while I shred myself on the inside

My Current State...

Isn't very healthy, and I know this.
I want the happiness I've thought of, but I don't think that will happen, I'm very sad and lonely today, and I think I know why now. I hope I'm wrong, but I don't think I am. So fucking fantastic. Why can't things I want go the right way, it's really annoying. I'm so selfish, such a selfish person, I can't share and Im plagued with envy.
It creeps through me every minute.
I can't help but feel like I'm slipping away with the days.
Why is life so hard? I think I understand it, if it were easy, it would be boring.
If it were easy, I still wouldnt be happy,
because I would have to fight for what I want.
Not to say that I'm just downright sad and sulking all day, no, thats not it.
I have to be somewhat happy to hide it.
Part of me is happy, happy I have friends, happy I have family,
but my point is, I could be so much happier.
I need that other half that can make me happy.
I want that other half
sure I was dating for a long time not to long ago, and at some point I was happy, but I knew it wouldn't last much longer after awhile.
I'm sure that the one I'm after doesn't feel the same
So until I can try I'll wait.
Look at him with that fake happy smile plastered on my face.
Laugh the lie to keep everyone going.
Tell dishonest emotions when people ask,
and pray to god that no one can see past my flimsy little mask.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

number rant x2

time to roll out the rants for a second time

1. well you just keep me on my toes. I have no idea what to think by this point, and let me tell you, its damn annoying. Thing is its not you, its how I'm feeling. That's why I wish I knew, so I could get over this, just know and go. Some part of thinks for the best, but the other part says Im being foolish. Ha, I think its funny how you put me at my best, but make me foolish at the same time. I want to know what to think pretty soon, but if worse comes to worst, I think I can wait, but there isnt a promise.

2. I want to thank you for being here for me, I don't think I could do this right now without you dude. We sit in the same boat, and I think we feel the same for people, we desire them but fear of what could be. I want you to find happiness soon, so go after one of the girls, things could go well :]


4. I hope things settle for you, you dont need all the crap you get. Maybe your issue will solve itself, or maybe moving is the answer. One thing I know is do what you think is right, its the only way you can be entirely happy.

5.I'm finding it easy to ignore you, stay away from the people I care about and that you dont need to know. Make your own damn friends, and by the way, if he is what you are after, go ahead you slut, because I wont give a shit.


I'm confused again, which is great, last thing I need is this seemingly endless confusion.
curse this feeling, its like a pit in my stomach feeling.
I wish I knew this god damn truth.
But I'm too scared to voice my question.

I must seem like a huge coward...

Monday, March 23, 2009

A favorite kind of desire...

Ughhh, I really hate this.
It's like I can't shake it, just can't let it go and get over it.
It drives me up a wall, and its so annoying.
But this want craves,
I just can't get enough of it, this feeling of not knowing for sure,
Yes or No.
Happiness or depression.
But part of me is just begging to know.
To know what the answer really, honestly is the truth.
IS it what I want, or what I fear to really be?
I can't stop feeling this,
It's such a mixed emotion,
So cruel to be exact,
Yet so blissful as well.
I guess I could explain this better like a drug.
Just that one time, and I can't get enough.
I want more,
So much more.
So much more, that I would fly higher than anything
But if I gave it up, I'd crash and burn.
I want that high, so bad.
But I have this sinking feeling,
that Im going to crash,
and get a hell of a case of the 3rd degree.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

okay, friend numbers

its a good way to vent or say anythingI feel like saying in numbers, you wont know your number, you may not even be in it. but I dont say names, I just use them numbers. :P

I usually do 5 to 7 to 10

1. You need to back off, starting to really piss me off. Just to let you know I've never really liked you, nor do I think I ever will. I just be nice because I feel pressed to be. You whine about everything in your life and never take actual action to solve your problems, its getting real old, real fast. You use me to get to people and other things and that REALLY gets me, dont use me just to get what you want, its really retarded. Make your own friends. and by the way, the reason why you cant hold a guy for more than a few months is because you cheat, I dont want to hear the "I didnt mean to" anymore, thats crap and everyone knows it.

2. Wow, I have to say you are confusing me. I can't say if its a good or a bad thing. I get the feeling there's something there, but I'm not sure, and I dont want to act or ask. Plus it takes alot to confuse me this way. I don't know how to act yet, I'm going to sit it out and wait on you, but until then... But I guess its not the point. I've seen what things could be, and I really like it, I wish other people could see this with me.

3. I'm glad you disconnected, I feel free. for the first time in a long long time. It was at the right time, and I'm glad I had the courage to do that. I had a great time with you, I wanted to say that.

4. Hmmm, I don't quite get what to do with you yet, Maybe as with number 2 I shall wait and see? You don't confuse me as much, which is good, but is confusion what I'm wanting in the end? or a simple thing. I'm still caught in the middle.
OKAY number 4 you are keeping me on my toes, I know things now that could have just swayed my mind, but I wont know for sure yet. Because now I know what you might have in mind for me.

5. I hope on the inside you are okay, I'm worried about you. I understand the family problems, but is what you did really needed? You are so social and without that, how can it work? How will you communicate? I think you should have stayed, leaving will only ruin you more my dear, and you're one of those people I never see faulter.

hmm, start it off I guess

well if you know me, I'd have sent you this maybe, or you somehow typed up the address, which is odd. anyway, all I'll do is post what I think, doing the occasion number people thing, which you'll get an example too in a little bit :]

gonna end this one