Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Fuck off.

I get it, you're depressed, in fact, I think EVERYONE fucking knows it.
If you're trying to make me look like some worthless skank, good job! you're doing it.
Just what do you want? me to fall for you? Im sorry, but I can't do that, you're pushing it farther than it needs to be.
For once, just FUCKING ONCE, I want to choose my happiness!
I want me to be happy! Me! Okay? Im tired of caring too much!
You have no idea how much it hurts to sit here and know I'm ripping you apart, but will I sacrifice my joy? FUCK NO.
Not this time.
And you know what else? He is amazing, beyond what you know, beyond what you can see. Look, Im sorry he's a friend, Im sorry you had to make the connection. I am, Im sorry.
But Im not sorry for trying to keep you from knowing the truth. Does that make it a lie? No! If I wanted to lie to you, I would have, if I didn't want to talk to you, I wouldn't. And if I really fucking hated you, I would make damn sure you knew it.

Get back on your feet for gods sake, be a man, get over it.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Could it improve?

For once? Maybe this time. Who knows? I feel happy, very happy considering. Im not quite sure whats going on

I've been told to just let what happens happen, which I dont mind. its weird.

I see the future when I think about it, see a solid future. Its odd, faces are clear, no longer blurry, dreams are crisp and new. I wonder why that is.

Perhaps its a new window in my life, a new beginning, of something big?
Maybe the beginning to what could be an actual life, instead of just breathing in and out.
I'll wait and see in the next few weeks, just what exactly it all is, I'll just have to do that.

There could really be something here, I just have to let it open up so I can know for sure.

Monday, September 7, 2009

MIrror Mirror on the wall, whos the fairest of them all?

Not me thats for sure.
Ive found that I can be a terrible person, Ive known of this though, no problem, everyone has an evil. But recently Ive seen that terrible girl act out in ways she shouldnt. Why? I dont know to be honest.

Let me see if I can explain just at least something;
Hun, to be honest. Ive been having alot of problems, lots of school work, missing my sister, being alone alot, and fighting with you. Its been way to hard, and Im so close to my breaking point I could scream.
We fight, I dont know why, but we do. I dont talk to you because I know that it leads to fighting. I dont want it, I dont, no fighting.
You're very sweet, you're a great guy, you are, but there are things that just dont work well with me.
I dont know what all they are. But its like youve forgotten how old I am. Im only 15, I cant hang out every day. I have friends that I want to see from time to time, I cant devote my time to just one person all the time. It shuts me out from everyone, like it did before when I dated ryan. I forgot about everyone else and devoted much of my time with him. He was my first boyfriend, so I acted like an idiot and did so. The second time around I want friends in my life, and its like when I tell you Im going out with a friend or Im going with my mother someplace you just get too upset. too upset for me, I just can't... I dont know take it. Now Im scared to even be around you because Im afraid we'll fight, it just doesnt feel right with all of this fighting to be over at your house. To even talk feels unnatural. There are other things, but they are difficult to explain.

Look hun Im sorry for being a bitch and ignoring you, but Im scared to talk to you out of fear knowing that soon we'll fight. Im avoiding the fighting, so Im avoiding speaking. Im sorry that isnt nice. I know it isnt and Im sorry. but Im having a hard time right now with school and family.

I dont know Jon. Part of me wants to lets everything go right now so I can finally relax and stop worrying, part of me doesnt because Ive had a good time with you, you're a great guy jonathan. right now Im having personal trouble that I dont want to talk about to anyone really.
Im sorry

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Seems we got, da na na na! bit of news! just listen to this,

I lol at kids who think they are scene and try to be cool.

Worst quote I've heard in some time,

"I think all time low is more musicly inclined than michael jackson."

Look. I wasn't a big fan of jackson,
but dude. really?

You kids need to get a life already, nobody cares who you want to swoon over at warped tour.

Jump in a lakeeee

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Who have you become?

I don't know you anymore, that face that seems so familiar, is now so distant.
I'm sick of those lies, sick of all of the memories that seem so long gone.
Just who are you now? Who have you turned into?
I'm tired of hearing, "I'm a new person, you'll get used to it."
No, I really don't think I will.

I do understand, that you can move to a place and be a new person.
Trust me, I get that.
But the person you've turned into, isn't the girl I knew.
Isn't the same best friend...

Are you proud of yourself?
The girl I knew, would be disgusted with your actions.
All of the cursing, partying, fuck like shit.
God that isn't her.
Never has been to me at least.

So I ask anything left of the best friend I had, the best friend I hope is still there.
Look at yourself and honestly say, you like what you see.
Look into those eyes, and say the truth.
And if the truth is, yes, I like this natalie, and I'm not changing.
Then look at me and see the tears, see the lost forgotten eyes of someone who doesn't recongnize you.

See the past as you used to love it,
and see that past, who fears for the present.

Monday, July 20, 2009

I need them.

I need all of them.

plain and simple.

even if they dont realize it.

I love them too much to even care about how I feel anymore. So,

I need them.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Just another mind rant

I wonder where I will be in a few years.
Just what college will I go to,
what friends will I have,
how successful will I be?
Hell I don't know, its hard to decide or even think about.

I have wishes, many of them, its odd to watch them change over time.
Just who will I date? Will it be my current boyfriend? a stranger? a friend I've known while I've dated my boyfriend?
Will I change my mind on what I want to be? It could change to anything, at any time.
The friends I have now, will they keep talking? In a few years will I be anything more than just a memory?

Why is everything a mystery...
Why can't I just know what happens? Then I wouldn't have to sit here and worry constantly
Am I doing the right thing?

I hate how life is a huge mystery, and I hate being the person
who doesn't know what the fuck she's doing.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

I sit here asking

all of these questions, all of these things.
I ask why people move, why people die, why people grow apart from each other.
I get no answer from some man in the sky
I get no answer from some man in the ground
I get no answer from man himself.
Why am I the way I am, who exactly helps shape who I am?
Its like I'm some piece of clay constantly being sculped.
Each artist, sits down and takes their time, until their hands are so dry, that they let a new artist try their luck.
Who are the few who tap on the artist shoulder to return to their previous work?
I dont know, I wish I did.

People are leaving, and I can't do anything about it.
Some aren't far, a few miles, maybe a city away.
But some are states away, some I will miss so much.

Some that I miss, I was extremely comfortable with, so close to.
Mr.R, Mr.H, Ms. K
Im so comfortable with them, beyond what you know.
I could walk in a room and be greeted with a hug, one that lasts longer than normal
a smiling face that asks simply how my day was, giving either sympathy or happiness with the response.
For no reason, a hand or two to hold, just because we can.
What makes the bounderies between friends? is it dating somebody else? the fact that people who are dating hold hands? hugging?
Who knows what it is, its odd to have friends who are close who I dont do that with, I want to but I dont, because I fear of what they will think.

for those of you who didnt know, dont compare to someone else in front of my face.
it makes me feel like Im just not good enough for you
Im not good enough of a friend.
I'm sorry.


Saturday, June 27, 2009

a post on my gaia journal

"I've had this pit in my stomach feeling, like something just wasn't right.It's a feeling that is just so sad, it makes me want to cry.

However I dont know what it is, that is what is pissing me off so bad.I want to be happy, I really really do, but I just can't.worst part is, I kinda feel like shutting everyone out so I can think. But there are some people that I just can't do that to. but there are some that I just need out for the time being.

Some part of me is stuck on something.
Upset about something, and can't get rid of it.

And Im sure I'll feel like this next year...I guess a welcome to hell would work from the "devil" right about now.

Koromi Lala is now offline."

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Recent findings....

been a little time since I last blogged, I think its time for a good rant, I have a few new findings that bug me, so lets begin.


My visit to washington/maryland;

overall I guess it was pretty good, washington was a sight to behold, I wish I could have seen more. Alas it would take 50 years to look at everything, and I dont have that time.

Things on the homefront weren't so good.

I spent the 10 days worth with a close friend of mine

whenever she stays there, she complains about how bad it is.

to be honest, it isnt that bad.

Sure, the stepmom is a little bit of a neat-freak

yeah she has an annoying younger sister

okay, her dads a bit concerned about her.

But whats the problem with that really? I dont see anything to truely hate.

Plus I can see why her father is so concerned, she never leaves her room!

which let me tell you, can get tiring all in its own.

I mean, I like contact more than I let off sometimes, I thrive for people and attention (sounds sickening, bleh I digust myself sometimes)

all she does is sit on the computer, and Im here like "uhh, you can move the laptop DOWNSTAIRS, you know."

so many excuses she has, its crazy.

she doesnt really seem to care extremely about the twins (babies)

there is some emotion, just not alot of it, she says its cause she didnt want her father and stepmom to have children

what would the babies do?

Sure they change plans alot,but every baby does that.

Plus, it wasnt fair to her stepmom, who wanted to have children.

she didnt seem to like my visit very much, felt almost like the rest of her family liked me more than her.

that really hurts to be honest, almost like a waste of time.

Next up, british people!

I'v come to notice how NASTY british girls are to each other, good god I've never seen such disgusting people.

God bless megan for going through this strong, they are terrrible.

the thing I love reading most is,

"I hate girls, I just really do, can't stand them, fuck them all."

Oh wow really? Hate them that much? damn sugar, thats rough.

but uhh, how about you open you open your eyes.

point one. You complained about how they cause so much drama, but the ironic thing is, I've watched YOU cause drama, all the way here in the US!

point two. You talked about how you are more close to your male friends. You know, I see no problem in that, but here's the kicking line, quoted;

"I’m not joking when I say this, I mean it seriously. I don’t get why so many girls have a problem with me… So what I prefer to hang out with guys because I feel like I can get on with them better and they aren’t as bitchy? I’m sorry for not being who you want me to be, okay?"

the reason why loads of girls hate you sweetpea, is because you are a fucking bitch. You've chewed out my best friend for doing nothing, .N.O.T.H.I.N.G. you pick fights, you pick on people, and thats pretty low. but the only reason why you do it is because of how low you think of yourself, which is a bullshit excuse, I think low of myself and do go up to someone and go "hey, just so you know, I really hate your personality, it pisses me off, stop. KAYTHANKSBYE!"

Im proud of megan for pushing other friends away who were dirt, I just hope she can tell Miss little pole-up-her-ass to fuck off. if not, I'll do it gladly :]

Last little bit, won't be long.

I miss my friends :[ this next year is going to be tough without them.

I'm gonna be sad alot next year, I can feel it.

people whom I miss;

Jon, Megan, Greg, Jared, Micah, Michael, Kayla, Felicia, Jonathan, Patrick, Annie, Lily, Anne

well Im tired of my ranting, until next time.

Bai bai


Tuesday, May 26, 2009

recently (music quotes in this one)

"THINK before your make up your mind! You dont seem to realize, I could do this on my own. And if I fall, I'll take it all. Believe me, its alright, its so easy after all."

Recently, hmm how have I been feeling?
Depressed, confused, thoughtful, thinking and loved.
I think thats a weird combo.
How do I begin to explain. I guess with the depressed.

"If I had only knew, the days were slipping passed. That the good things never last. That you were crying."

Well I've been sad recently about my friends leaving highschool. Many have said that its nothing to worry about, and that I will still talk to them, and everything will be fine.
I know this, Im not a dumb shit.
But the thing I want them to understand is that everytime I make bestfriends, they leave, go away in some form. Doesnt matter how far, Im going to miss them.
Like katie, I miss her.
Like megan, I miss her.
and with my friends now? I'll miss them too.
When I first moved, I was depressed, and had a completely different personality, I had changed it all.
which comes to my next subject, confusion.

"Is everyone here make-believe? ...Been crying for days now..."

Just who am I? Who am I really?
There have been three natalies, three versions of my personalities. Three different people.

First there was the young me, the one I grew up with all my life.
I was the girl to pick on, it was easy.
Hair that wasnt perfect, weight that wasnt average, and feelings that could be hurt in a heartbeat.
I was like candy to everyone else to make themselves feel better.
After a few years, I stopped caring, stopped giving a shit. I was weird, but I had friends.
Friends who loved me.
Friends who would poke fun at me, I would twist their words so it was all okay.
I became the comic relief, the one who made you laugh.
I met megan, and I became a sheild for her, from all the insults people would say.
Verbal abuse was easy to me, so I took it instead. I didnt mind at all.
To all of my friends, I was the ugly duckling. Fine by me.
And then my imperfect little world came crashing down. I was moving
Megan was moving.

Thats when the last me came to life. I was constantly down. I wasn't happy.
No, not for a single minute.
So I decided, why care? why give a fuck?
So I didnt, all 8th grade I didnt give a shit about anything.
Making out in front of the movies? who cares?
Mom found out? big deal.
Grades slipping? Fuck that.
People talking shit about me? Who gives a flipping fuck about that.
Grounded again for the up-teenth time? Awesome, lets push the limits more.
I lied to myself so much. So so much, all of that mattered. I forced my family away, my friends werent real. They didnt like me, I dont think they did. I dont know why I did it. Why didnt I stop myself somehow? all of it mattered?
Its easy I think, I was depressed, hanging with the wrong people, mad at the world from taking what was my life, megan.
Katie was a breath of fresh air when we became friends, god I needed her.
I think it was her who began to make me into the me I am now.

But the one who finished it was Jared, he was one of the people I was willing to cry for.
I would sit there and cry for hours, because some of the things that happened to him he didnt need, I didnt understand it. So he didn't need to feel bad, I cried so he wouldnt have to, he knew it too. I would still do that, I would do that for alot of people now.
Jared (although I dont think he knows) helped me realize that what was my depression didnt matter, I had already begun to bring my grades up by freshman year, I began to care about family more, but he pushed it to the point where I could be happy, by giving me new friends. It's like Im on pure oxygen, its so good.

So there are three versions of me
protective, small-willed, funny, easy to hurt
Shameless, depressed, spiteful, downer
Caring, hard-worker, somewhat willed, concerned

Which one am I? or to phrase it better, which is the true me?
Who am I really?
Who is this girl who walks around, day by day, going on with her life.
Which one am I.

"I used to rule the world."

Thinking and thoughtful come in with the last two expressions, so does love, I get it everyday from people I know.
But I've always wondered if it was real love. from my friends I mean, I hope they are true.
I hope it isnt fake, just all for nothing.

One of my worst fears is to be alone, I've been there once, I never want to go back.

"And now you wish that you meant something.... And now you wish that you meant something to somebody else."

Thoughts are annoying.
Im out.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Its about time

I came to realize what I've been hiding. Sadly I've been avoiding the truth for a few months, even when it was occuring.
It was just recently, actually that I told anyone, and it was a few of my close friends.
I made a nice little mental wall to keep the thoughts at a nice distance, but I knew it wouldnt last, and what do you know it didnt.
I find this an easy way to get it off my chest and finally get passed it, for some of you reading (my close friends) it will be something new, something I didnt want you to know, or even myself to know for that matter.

You all know I dated someone, and we broke up, we dated for a long long time.
But the one thing I hid was the fact that I was happy, and that there was something very wrong.
It wasnt huge, not the full blown effect,but there was indeed abuse.
Bruises that is, on my arms usually, I hid them with long sleeves and jackets, its why I never wore short sleeves.
Some of it, I know, wasn't on purpose. But some of it was.
He said sorry, more than once actually. But I always wondered if it was really from his heart.

I played happy, I pretended to be happy. Sometimes when it was happening, I was happy, because it WASNT happening, but slowly it did get worse, and slowly I was breaking.
Until I had had enough.
Thats one of the main reasons why I left, because I knew I didnt need that, I knew that it wasnt best for me.
Now I'm happy to say that have that off my chest, its the main reason why I did this blog, because a dear friend told me I shouldnt keep that locked inside.
And she was right, now that I've let it out in some way, I feel a hell of alot better.

I didnt do this for you to get pissed off and go shoot the guy, I did this for myself
I know thats selfish, but it needed to be done.

Monday, April 27, 2009


lmao I didnt do this on facebook due to the fact that i have relatives.
anyway, enjoy. lol

Morning or Night : Oh night times, darkness rules >:D
Lights on or off : well as stated before, darkness rules
Touching or kissing : Both just one wouldnt be fun at all!
Giver or Receiver : I dont mind giving, but who doesnt love receiving?
Nice n slow or Rough n fast : Hmm well too rough would be painful, but too slow would be odd, so can it be nice and fast? well not like in the sence that the entire act would go by fast, wait...why am I explaining this?! xD
Scratching or tickling : you know when I think of sex, I dont think of tickling someone, I'm violent anyways.
Biting or kissing : Both ;P
Grabbing or caressing : Again, what fun would it be to just have one?
Loud or quiet : Oh hell loud, I'd be loud.
Drunk or sober : Sober, but I can see me having a drunken night stand. XD
Outside or inside : Inside, outside if I wasnt literally on the ground.
Standing up or laying down : laying down, good old-school.
Pain or pleasure : Pleasure, Im not a weirdo pain seeker o-o
A break or straight : what? *looks up* I dont know what that means... o-o
Under or on top of the covers : hmmm either
Clothes on or off : uhhh off? Im sorry but wearing all of your clothes would be uncomfortable, for you see, people get rather hot and bothered during sex.
Foreplay : Yes. lol.
Whipped Cream : Kinky, I'd do it.
FuDgE : Also kinky, and I'd do that aswell.
One night stand : Is it sad that I was voted by my friends at churchill that I'd be most likely to have a one night stand? Well me and bri tied... I think its sad. lol
Booty calls : No
Pillow biting : whoa there. calm down. xD
Long toe nails : what does that have to do with sex? "oh my god your toe nails are so...long..." " I know, just for you babe >;D!" I dont find it kinky at all!
Sex toys : o-o
Ashy elbows : whaaaaa?
Music : I wouldnt care, I wouldnt be listening to it. lol

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

A small rant and gush about my life this past year

well today, Im going to just rant/gush about my life, you dont need to read it, but its just somethings Ive needed to say.

To begin, I owe a big thanks to a girl named Annie K. She told me something that I hold close to me, she said it earlier this year.
"Natalie, I know you and I know that right now, you aren't happy, I want you happy. I can't tell you how happy I am since I found Peter, he's so much more than I could ask for, I want you to have this happy, this high is so amazing. I would be blessed for you to have this too."
Yeah at first I blew it off, I wore my fake happy smile, had on my little blindfold that kept me from seeing she was really right.

Let us begin; with my lying dreams of summer 08.
Oh yeah, I thought it was going to be great, highschool, big deal right? I thought I would have the same friends I had last year, me and my current boyfriend would be happy, and everything would be happy dandy.
Big fat fucking lie, not that I care now at least, Im quite happy.
It started on the first day, when I got that mixed feeling.
I walk into the cafeteria, looking for no one and trying to do my best at not caring about what was going on around me, and then there they were, this small group of males at the end of the table on the far side. Nothing very special about them, nothing amazing or worthwhile, just something was there. Something that really bugged me, something I knew would throw me off. To be quite honest, it made me mad, I looked away from them, they didnt see me, good. I didnt like being noticed.
Little did I know those men were going to be the death and rebirth, the greatest transition, in my life.
fast forward some, a few good months later, a few good friends lost and gained, a few good tears and smiles, an event that happened. One with, who now is basicly my brother at the hip, and a girl. I'm not going into it, no not my buisness. And as much as I would hate to say it, it made me and this man friends, and then we started to talk more and more, and we grew close. Very close, and apparently, very noticable. Enough to set off the alarm in my boyfriend's head.

Let me just say; the madness has begun.
My boyfriend did say things, about how he didnt like him, and how I talked with him, he didnt like it at all. It pissed me off, can't I have my own friends? Good god, it became the thing we fought about, my friends, and how he didnt like him. At the time I took it, let it go. Then I started thinking, all of the people I talk to when he is around, are his friends, not my friends. These guys are assholes! All it is with them is football, rotc, band, who cares! Its all they cared about, they would say rude things to me, and he wouldnt care, why? Because in his eyes they were kidding, and I wasn't effected by any of it. Oh but that was far from the truth, it did effect me, made me mad and upset. I wanted real friends, friends who could care for me, I wanted to meet new people. Thats when my "brother" wanted me to meet his brother and friends, the males at the end of the long lunch table, remember them? Oh I honestly thought they would hate me, a freshman trying to get to know seniors, seems like a huge epic fail, and it kinda was. I only talked to my brother, the rest talked with each other, it was uncomforting, but as long as my brother was there, everything was fine by me, I felt fine, like I belonged. It didnt take long for me and this other man to start talking, nope not long at all.

We'll talk more of him later, trust me.

Soon I was making fast friends, friends I felt really cared about me! It made me so happy, that I had friends who weren't his friends. Friends I made myself, it felt great. I thought I wouldn't fall from this, now my problem was solved, I had friends of my own.
They began the problem, the death of my transition.
Oh my boyfriend was pissed, and I mean fuming. These were SENIOR guys talking with his girl of a year. And I was just letting it happen, letting him get mad, I thought, it will all slide and things will go the way I want. I forgot that it never happens that way for me. We fought like cats and dogs, constant almost never ending. It'd been like this before, a kink in the road like some of the others.
No it was the end, and it didn't take long for me to notice.
I will admit, a few months before we broke up, I was drifting away already, beginning to move on. It only took one little notice;
"You know you talk about him alot less these days, like he's only a friend or something."
Oh, oh, oh. oh shit.
I knew it then and there, she was right, I did talk less about him, then I began to think, am I happy right now? With him?
Oh I thought long and hard, shoving lies into my head. Im good at that by the way.
It got my mom's attention, she even noticed how I didn't speak of him, so it took a nice sit down talk to make me really open my eyes, and take off my blindfold.
"Natalie, I've told you what your father was before he was my boyfriend right?"
"Yes mom, he was one of your best friends."
"Honey, this might sound odd, but it might be the same for you, me and you are very much alike"
"... I dont get it mom."
"Maybe its time to move on? I dont know, Im not you honey."
Oh thats all it took. All it took.
The next day I noticed it, I started becoming attracted to some friends of mine.
Not all were in a romantic way, like I liked them or anything. But I noticed traits about each one of them that I admired. One of them is sometimes dead clueless, but sometimes thats a great way to live. My brother is one of the deepest people I've ever met. One is smart with technology and is somehow smiling most of the time, a smile that was real. And another is bluntly honest, but is so interesting to be around. I could go on, but those guys are the closest to me.

I had finally seen that, I wasn't happy in my relationship, I have two reasons.

One. I felt like I was used for physical needs. Not sex. No I'm a virgin, but just when I would go to his house, there was little to no I love yous, never any hugs that were just hugs, never anything that made me feel needed emotionally. I felt like I was there for him and his needs. That pissed me off, I wasn't a tool, fuck that! I stopped going to his house, I didn't want to, I didnt want a touch, or a kiss that felt wrong. And god damn it I meant it.

Two; I also like I was there to keep him in check. His grades when not pushed are terrible, failing, CRAP. And that really erks me, no ambition? No motivation? where the fuck to you want to go in life? What your parents are going to sit there and watch over you for the rest of your life? FUCK NO. thats now how it goes. I was ready to scream "OPEN YOUR EYES YOU FUCKING DIP SHIT." But I didn't I kept it inside.

So thats what lead to the, apparently "horrible" break up. I will admit I kinda forced it, I didn't want to be together. And for those of you who have been told he broke up with me, I broke it off with him, get it straight before you say a word to me, Im tired of that fucking pity.

I'll say it now, it was the best thing to every happen at the time.
I was ready for the life of a single!
I really was.


It didn't last long.
I started to like a friend of mine, just a littttlllleeee bit. And I will begin with saying now, we are together now, and I am about the happiest girl in the world.
Lets have some stories.
Ohhhh lets.

So when I start liking him, a few days after, huge slap in the face.
"I have this thing for ------- and I might ask her to prom."
Oh I could have died right there. Just right there. I felt like I was stabbed mentally, but what girl wouldnt?
It sometimes sucks to be the best chick friend of a guy that you like.
Oh my brother knew, I complained every so often to him about it, he felt bad about it, like he could do something. But bless his heart that he didn't say anything.
I slowly started to stop liking him, trying to force myself to stop it.
Have I ever said how good I am with a fake smile? I have this amazing talent to be able to hide my emotions when I need to. Well thats actually very unhealthy for me, I tend to break after a good while doing that. But thats not the point. I thought that to be able to move on, I'd help him get that day he wanted so bad, because I wanted him to be happy, weather it was with me or not.

Turned out, she was dating someone, and she wanted to tell him.

fuck. Fuck. FUCK.
I didn't want to do that! No no no! That's not what I do! I can't do that!
I can't make him sad! I didn't want to hurt anyone at all! Ugh I always fuck this shit up, why why why?

Oh but it was my job, I knew it was, which would be worse, me telling him, or him asking her and she would say
"natalie didnt tell you?"
I felt like shit, I did, I felt like the scum of the earth for having to do that.
And it went just the way I knew it would, the way that I didn't want it go.
He was sad and I felt like a bitch, I had to tell him, I felt like a complete bitch. I kept mentally beating the SHIT out of me.
Our friends told me to not feel this way, it wasnt my fault and that I did the right thing, but I felt like I had done the worst thing in the world to him.
So I began to block that memory and feeling, its the way I can feel better fast. After about maybe a week, he was mainly back to normal, and I, still liked him.

Way to go natalie, you broke his heart for a girl and you STILL have feelings for him, when he has nothing for you, way to torture yourself sweetheart.

I stopped caring about weather he liked me or not, I just liked him. Nothing mattered, he made me smile, and he made me laugh. He didn't have to know my feelings, I told myself, and thats just fine.

That worked for a good, oh, let me think, three days?

I slummed into a good old depression, nothing like one of those.
I would whine about how I wanted to tell him, but feared of the friendship I would lose if he didnt like me, I didnt want that taken away. It lasted days, what felt like years.
Until I blocked the feeling, back to normal old natalie.

And thats when I get the message;
"Well, I kinda like you."

Shit are you serious? Is this a joke? Does he really? Am I still sleeping?

Nope no dream miss natalie, this is reality.

It didn't hit me right away that he liked me, no it took a good nights sleep and some boring minutes in english class for it to really smack me in the face.
It felt like a fucking brick dude.
Well, a happy brick, not a sad brick.
It was all I thought about all day long. He likes me, he likes me, holy fucking shit he does actually like me!
I was happy, so happy, and it was to lead to happier things.

But to interupt, I guessing it wasnt hard to tell that I liked him, I made it painfully obivious, which he caught on, good job hun!

It was to only be the beginning of my happiness, he then asked me to prom, which for me made me giddy as fuck. And we made it public that were dating, and then it finally came around.
I had to meet his parents.
ohhh goddddd nooo. I wasn't ready for this! Ack! Im so awkward! What if they dont like me! I was a wreck, but with good reason!
I was nervous, and when I nervous I get really quiet and shy, which I think I shall remain to be at his house for some time, but it could just be for the best.
And for those minds who are just DIEING TO KNOW. and since those of you who read this are close to me, yes we have made out.
He's good too, I give him props on that. Kudos love kudos.
But I wont go into details, they are my moments that I want to stay mine :]

This is coming to a close, but lets end it with a bang shall we?

Hun, you have no idea how much I am in love with you. I dont have words to describe it. I've never been this happy, its like on a high and I can't get enough. You make me feel safe in your arms, nothing can bother me. You make me smile and make me laugh more than anyone. People have been sitting here telling me that the age is a huge deal, I dont see it, I really dont. And I dont care, because to me, age doesnt matter at all. When I'm with you anything bothering me goes away and so does everything else, its amazing what you do to me. I've never been happier in my life, and I wanted to know that.
I love you so much, I really do.

I think Im ending this long long rant and gush, so all of you who read the whole thing,
You guys rock :]

Peace out

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

well, might as well do another number rant

please note that before you read this, that not all my rant are BAD. like I dont rant about how mad I am at someone all the time, infact I rant about how someone can be really nice, just clearing that up for some of you people reading thissss.
I'll do 4 today, Im tired lol

1. You make me pretty happy dude, I wont lie here :] Last night when were texting, it hadnt really hit me, but in english during the morning today it was like WHAM. In a good way though, dont get me wrong. It was hard to focus most of the day lol, and I spaced half the time, so I think a freaked more than a few people today. So I guess I'll ask you this, since Im terrible at shit like this, where do we go from here hmm? :]

2. You are what you are, and damn it I hate it when you are on meds at a festival. You can be a such a downer you know? It drives me crazyyyy Plus you seem a hell of a lot nicer when you arent, but I feel bad for complaining. Im really worried about you hun, and if you need someone to be there for you when he gets into big shit again, I'm here.

3. To be frank, you can be punched in the face. You do nothing to improve yourself. Way to go sweetheart, you are now more pathetic than anything I've ever seen.
Enough said about you bitch, you arent even worth the words and time.

4. Aww honey you need to move back, I miss you bunches D:
Next year I'll be so lonely and at the beginning of this year I was all alone, I miss you and my other girl so damn much.
You dont need to live with your family who can treat you like shit, you can live with me anytime.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

So basicly...

here is what I want in a male; the top ten;

1. Shy
2. Conservative
3. Traditional
4. Practical
5. Intellectual
6. Big-Hearted
7. Funny
8. Romantic
9. Wealthy/Ambitious
10. Adventurous

and the top three trait descriptions

Shy - You are put off by people who are open books. You are drawn to someone who is a bit more mysterious. You want to draw him out of his shell and get to know what he is all about.
Conservative - Forget liberals, you need a conservative match. Political discussions interest you, and a conservative will offer the viewpoint you need.
Traditional - You need someone who is a bit old-fashioned. A person with traditional values and beliefs will perfectly compliment your lifestyle.

Friday, April 3, 2009

ohhhhh gooodnesssss

Why are males so confusingggg?!
jesus christ I just dont understand, and I think I do a pretty damn good job at reading people.
but its like with some guys, there is NOTHING there!
like i can read their emotions yes, Im good at that,
but its like, when I try and figure out how they feel about me, i have no idea!
I'm thinking one thing and then that could something COMPLETELY different.
Good god its so damn confusing, natalie doesnt like it.
really doesnt like it, she hates being wrong.
I'd love to know if I'm right, but its so hard with these kind of things.
It's just about the one mind thing I can't configure.
Oh well, fuck it, might as well watch it play out.
*throws hands in air*
I give up.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

many things

Keep me on my toes, every little thing makes me think,
I over think things sometimes, which can really suck.
I have no idea how I've been feeling recently, I've been thinking more and more.
I've been thinking about my future, and my past.
I hope the future is bright, I dream it.
All the time, but what do I dream?
I dream of a big house, in a city neighborhood,
I dream of coming home from a fast day at work, and having children happy to see me
I dream of a few of them, ones that love their mom
Ones that are happy to help make dinner with me, help as best they can, and each one of them have a different personality.
but that isnt the best part, its only part of the whole package
I see a husband coming home, and he's somewhat tired, but happy to see me.
And Im happy, really happy, but thats the later part of my future dreams

My closer future is also blissful
a small apartment
newly married, and all me and my husband do is laugh and be happy
we're happy, and so complete at that point,
I think Im in college in the dreams

My future dreams are always happy. I want them to be happy so bad.
I want that, more than anything
I want to be older
I want life to fast forward
I know I'm happy now, but what about the large amount later?

Oh I'm such a dreamer
such a hopeless romantic.

Friday, March 27, 2009

So excited

for next week, it's going to be so much fun :]
I'm so happy for once! although recently I've perked up alot
I have this feeling that everything will end well, and I'm very happy to think that.
It's odd, I don't have much of anything to confess or get off my chest for once! I think it's weird.
But hey, a happy natalie is always a good natalie.


Thursday, March 26, 2009

I'm clean.

I've realized, that going clean was good.
Sure, I had my burns, but nothing as bad as I had originally thought.
I think, I'm okay.
And that, in and among itself, is great.
I no longer feel a weight on my shoulders.
No longer worrying,
No longer wondering.
I guess what makes me happy the most, is that there wasn't an end to anything.
But maybe, a beginning to something much better.
I want to wait some stuff out, give things some time.
Hopefully, things could go my way.
Although I don't know what way that is yet.
Oh well, I'm much happier now, more focused.
I'm no longer clouded.
I hope this year turns out to be great, so far, its gone pretty good.
I have these great friends, that I care for so much.
I really need them, more than they know honestly.
For awhile, all of my friends had moved, many had grown apart,
I felt alone.
But then things changed, without them, my life would be so dull.
Thank god they saved me.
I need to thank every single one of them, for making me realize,
that I have an amazing life.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

And now

I begin to wash memories, any hopes, away.

In a few days, I might be better, until then, I'll be a living wreck.


Time for the mask, while I shred myself on the inside

My Current State...

Isn't very healthy, and I know this.
I want the happiness I've thought of, but I don't think that will happen, I'm very sad and lonely today, and I think I know why now. I hope I'm wrong, but I don't think I am. So fucking fantastic. Why can't things I want go the right way, it's really annoying. I'm so selfish, such a selfish person, I can't share and Im plagued with envy.
It creeps through me every minute.
I can't help but feel like I'm slipping away with the days.
Why is life so hard? I think I understand it, if it were easy, it would be boring.
If it were easy, I still wouldnt be happy,
because I would have to fight for what I want.
Not to say that I'm just downright sad and sulking all day, no, thats not it.
I have to be somewhat happy to hide it.
Part of me is happy, happy I have friends, happy I have family,
but my point is, I could be so much happier.
I need that other half that can make me happy.
I want that other half
sure I was dating for a long time not to long ago, and at some point I was happy, but I knew it wouldn't last much longer after awhile.
I'm sure that the one I'm after doesn't feel the same
So until I can try I'll wait.
Look at him with that fake happy smile plastered on my face.
Laugh the lie to keep everyone going.
Tell dishonest emotions when people ask,
and pray to god that no one can see past my flimsy little mask.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

number rant x2

time to roll out the rants for a second time

1. well you just keep me on my toes. I have no idea what to think by this point, and let me tell you, its damn annoying. Thing is its not you, its how I'm feeling. That's why I wish I knew, so I could get over this, just know and go. Some part of thinks for the best, but the other part says Im being foolish. Ha, I think its funny how you put me at my best, but make me foolish at the same time. I want to know what to think pretty soon, but if worse comes to worst, I think I can wait, but there isnt a promise.

2. I want to thank you for being here for me, I don't think I could do this right now without you dude. We sit in the same boat, and I think we feel the same for people, we desire them but fear of what could be. I want you to find happiness soon, so go after one of the girls, things could go well :]


4. I hope things settle for you, you dont need all the crap you get. Maybe your issue will solve itself, or maybe moving is the answer. One thing I know is do what you think is right, its the only way you can be entirely happy.

5.I'm finding it easy to ignore you, stay away from the people I care about and that you dont need to know. Make your own damn friends, and by the way, if he is what you are after, go ahead you slut, because I wont give a shit.


I'm confused again, which is great, last thing I need is this seemingly endless confusion.
curse this feeling, its like a pit in my stomach feeling.
I wish I knew this god damn truth.
But I'm too scared to voice my question.

I must seem like a huge coward...

Monday, March 23, 2009

A favorite kind of desire...

Ughhh, I really hate this.
It's like I can't shake it, just can't let it go and get over it.
It drives me up a wall, and its so annoying.
But this want craves,
I just can't get enough of it, this feeling of not knowing for sure,
Yes or No.
Happiness or depression.
But part of me is just begging to know.
To know what the answer really, honestly is the truth.
IS it what I want, or what I fear to really be?
I can't stop feeling this,
It's such a mixed emotion,
So cruel to be exact,
Yet so blissful as well.
I guess I could explain this better like a drug.
Just that one time, and I can't get enough.
I want more,
So much more.
So much more, that I would fly higher than anything
But if I gave it up, I'd crash and burn.
I want that high, so bad.
But I have this sinking feeling,
that Im going to crash,
and get a hell of a case of the 3rd degree.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

okay, friend numbers

its a good way to vent or say anythingI feel like saying in numbers, you wont know your number, you may not even be in it. but I dont say names, I just use them numbers. :P

I usually do 5 to 7 to 10

1. You need to back off, starting to really piss me off. Just to let you know I've never really liked you, nor do I think I ever will. I just be nice because I feel pressed to be. You whine about everything in your life and never take actual action to solve your problems, its getting real old, real fast. You use me to get to people and other things and that REALLY gets me, dont use me just to get what you want, its really retarded. Make your own friends. and by the way, the reason why you cant hold a guy for more than a few months is because you cheat, I dont want to hear the "I didnt mean to" anymore, thats crap and everyone knows it.

2. Wow, I have to say you are confusing me. I can't say if its a good or a bad thing. I get the feeling there's something there, but I'm not sure, and I dont want to act or ask. Plus it takes alot to confuse me this way. I don't know how to act yet, I'm going to sit it out and wait on you, but until then... But I guess its not the point. I've seen what things could be, and I really like it, I wish other people could see this with me.

3. I'm glad you disconnected, I feel free. for the first time in a long long time. It was at the right time, and I'm glad I had the courage to do that. I had a great time with you, I wanted to say that.

4. Hmmm, I don't quite get what to do with you yet, Maybe as with number 2 I shall wait and see? You don't confuse me as much, which is good, but is confusion what I'm wanting in the end? or a simple thing. I'm still caught in the middle.
OKAY number 4 you are keeping me on my toes, I know things now that could have just swayed my mind, but I wont know for sure yet. Because now I know what you might have in mind for me.

5. I hope on the inside you are okay, I'm worried about you. I understand the family problems, but is what you did really needed? You are so social and without that, how can it work? How will you communicate? I think you should have stayed, leaving will only ruin you more my dear, and you're one of those people I never see faulter.

hmm, start it off I guess

well if you know me, I'd have sent you this maybe, or you somehow typed up the address, which is odd. anyway, all I'll do is post what I think, doing the occasion number people thing, which you'll get an example too in a little bit :]

gonna end this one