Tuesday, April 21, 2009

A small rant and gush about my life this past year

well today, Im going to just rant/gush about my life, you dont need to read it, but its just somethings Ive needed to say.

To begin, I owe a big thanks to a girl named Annie K. She told me something that I hold close to me, she said it earlier this year.
"Natalie, I know you and I know that right now, you aren't happy, I want you happy. I can't tell you how happy I am since I found Peter, he's so much more than I could ask for, I want you to have this happy, this high is so amazing. I would be blessed for you to have this too."
Yeah at first I blew it off, I wore my fake happy smile, had on my little blindfold that kept me from seeing she was really right.

Let us begin; with my lying dreams of summer 08.
Oh yeah, I thought it was going to be great, highschool, big deal right? I thought I would have the same friends I had last year, me and my current boyfriend would be happy, and everything would be happy dandy.
Big fat fucking lie, not that I care now at least, Im quite happy.
It started on the first day, when I got that mixed feeling.
I walk into the cafeteria, looking for no one and trying to do my best at not caring about what was going on around me, and then there they were, this small group of males at the end of the table on the far side. Nothing very special about them, nothing amazing or worthwhile, just something was there. Something that really bugged me, something I knew would throw me off. To be quite honest, it made me mad, I looked away from them, they didnt see me, good. I didnt like being noticed.
Little did I know those men were going to be the death and rebirth, the greatest transition, in my life.
fast forward some, a few good months later, a few good friends lost and gained, a few good tears and smiles, an event that happened. One with, who now is basicly my brother at the hip, and a girl. I'm not going into it, no not my buisness. And as much as I would hate to say it, it made me and this man friends, and then we started to talk more and more, and we grew close. Very close, and apparently, very noticable. Enough to set off the alarm in my boyfriend's head.

Let me just say; the madness has begun.
My boyfriend did say things, about how he didnt like him, and how I talked with him, he didnt like it at all. It pissed me off, can't I have my own friends? Good god, it became the thing we fought about, my friends, and how he didnt like him. At the time I took it, let it go. Then I started thinking, all of the people I talk to when he is around, are his friends, not my friends. These guys are assholes! All it is with them is football, rotc, band, who cares! Its all they cared about, they would say rude things to me, and he wouldnt care, why? Because in his eyes they were kidding, and I wasn't effected by any of it. Oh but that was far from the truth, it did effect me, made me mad and upset. I wanted real friends, friends who could care for me, I wanted to meet new people. Thats when my "brother" wanted me to meet his brother and friends, the males at the end of the long lunch table, remember them? Oh I honestly thought they would hate me, a freshman trying to get to know seniors, seems like a huge epic fail, and it kinda was. I only talked to my brother, the rest talked with each other, it was uncomforting, but as long as my brother was there, everything was fine by me, I felt fine, like I belonged. It didnt take long for me and this other man to start talking, nope not long at all.

We'll talk more of him later, trust me.

Soon I was making fast friends, friends I felt really cared about me! It made me so happy, that I had friends who weren't his friends. Friends I made myself, it felt great. I thought I wouldn't fall from this, now my problem was solved, I had friends of my own.
They began the problem, the death of my transition.
Oh my boyfriend was pissed, and I mean fuming. These were SENIOR guys talking with his girl of a year. And I was just letting it happen, letting him get mad, I thought, it will all slide and things will go the way I want. I forgot that it never happens that way for me. We fought like cats and dogs, constant almost never ending. It'd been like this before, a kink in the road like some of the others.
No it was the end, and it didn't take long for me to notice.
I will admit, a few months before we broke up, I was drifting away already, beginning to move on. It only took one little notice;
"You know you talk about him alot less these days, like he's only a friend or something."
Oh, oh, oh. oh shit.
I knew it then and there, she was right, I did talk less about him, then I began to think, am I happy right now? With him?
Oh I thought long and hard, shoving lies into my head. Im good at that by the way.
It got my mom's attention, she even noticed how I didn't speak of him, so it took a nice sit down talk to make me really open my eyes, and take off my blindfold.
"Natalie, I've told you what your father was before he was my boyfriend right?"
"Yes mom, he was one of your best friends."
"Honey, this might sound odd, but it might be the same for you, me and you are very much alike"
"... I dont get it mom."
"Maybe its time to move on? I dont know, Im not you honey."
Oh thats all it took. All it took.
The next day I noticed it, I started becoming attracted to some friends of mine.
Not all were in a romantic way, like I liked them or anything. But I noticed traits about each one of them that I admired. One of them is sometimes dead clueless, but sometimes thats a great way to live. My brother is one of the deepest people I've ever met. One is smart with technology and is somehow smiling most of the time, a smile that was real. And another is bluntly honest, but is so interesting to be around. I could go on, but those guys are the closest to me.

I had finally seen that, I wasn't happy in my relationship, I have two reasons.

One. I felt like I was used for physical needs. Not sex. No I'm a virgin, but just when I would go to his house, there was little to no I love yous, never any hugs that were just hugs, never anything that made me feel needed emotionally. I felt like I was there for him and his needs. That pissed me off, I wasn't a tool, fuck that! I stopped going to his house, I didn't want to, I didnt want a touch, or a kiss that felt wrong. And god damn it I meant it.

Two; I also like I was there to keep him in check. His grades when not pushed are terrible, failing, CRAP. And that really erks me, no ambition? No motivation? where the fuck to you want to go in life? What your parents are going to sit there and watch over you for the rest of your life? FUCK NO. thats now how it goes. I was ready to scream "OPEN YOUR EYES YOU FUCKING DIP SHIT." But I didn't I kept it inside.

So thats what lead to the, apparently "horrible" break up. I will admit I kinda forced it, I didn't want to be together. And for those of you who have been told he broke up with me, I broke it off with him, get it straight before you say a word to me, Im tired of that fucking pity.

I'll say it now, it was the best thing to every happen at the time.
I was ready for the life of a single!
I really was.


It didn't last long.
I started to like a friend of mine, just a littttlllleeee bit. And I will begin with saying now, we are together now, and I am about the happiest girl in the world.
Lets have some stories.
Ohhhh lets.

So when I start liking him, a few days after, huge slap in the face.
"I have this thing for ------- and I might ask her to prom."
Oh I could have died right there. Just right there. I felt like I was stabbed mentally, but what girl wouldnt?
It sometimes sucks to be the best chick friend of a guy that you like.
Oh my brother knew, I complained every so often to him about it, he felt bad about it, like he could do something. But bless his heart that he didn't say anything.
I slowly started to stop liking him, trying to force myself to stop it.
Have I ever said how good I am with a fake smile? I have this amazing talent to be able to hide my emotions when I need to. Well thats actually very unhealthy for me, I tend to break after a good while doing that. But thats not the point. I thought that to be able to move on, I'd help him get that day he wanted so bad, because I wanted him to be happy, weather it was with me or not.

Turned out, she was dating someone, and she wanted to tell him.

fuck. Fuck. FUCK.
I didn't want to do that! No no no! That's not what I do! I can't do that!
I can't make him sad! I didn't want to hurt anyone at all! Ugh I always fuck this shit up, why why why?

Oh but it was my job, I knew it was, which would be worse, me telling him, or him asking her and she would say
"natalie didnt tell you?"
I felt like shit, I did, I felt like the scum of the earth for having to do that.
And it went just the way I knew it would, the way that I didn't want it go.
He was sad and I felt like a bitch, I had to tell him, I felt like a complete bitch. I kept mentally beating the SHIT out of me.
Our friends told me to not feel this way, it wasnt my fault and that I did the right thing, but I felt like I had done the worst thing in the world to him.
So I began to block that memory and feeling, its the way I can feel better fast. After about maybe a week, he was mainly back to normal, and I, still liked him.

Way to go natalie, you broke his heart for a girl and you STILL have feelings for him, when he has nothing for you, way to torture yourself sweetheart.

I stopped caring about weather he liked me or not, I just liked him. Nothing mattered, he made me smile, and he made me laugh. He didn't have to know my feelings, I told myself, and thats just fine.

That worked for a good, oh, let me think, three days?

I slummed into a good old depression, nothing like one of those.
I would whine about how I wanted to tell him, but feared of the friendship I would lose if he didnt like me, I didnt want that taken away. It lasted days, what felt like years.
Until I blocked the feeling, back to normal old natalie.

And thats when I get the message;
"Well, I kinda like you."

Shit are you serious? Is this a joke? Does he really? Am I still sleeping?

Nope no dream miss natalie, this is reality.

It didn't hit me right away that he liked me, no it took a good nights sleep and some boring minutes in english class for it to really smack me in the face.
It felt like a fucking brick dude.
Well, a happy brick, not a sad brick.
It was all I thought about all day long. He likes me, he likes me, holy fucking shit he does actually like me!
I was happy, so happy, and it was to lead to happier things.

But to interupt, I guessing it wasnt hard to tell that I liked him, I made it painfully obivious, which he caught on, good job hun!

It was to only be the beginning of my happiness, he then asked me to prom, which for me made me giddy as fuck. And we made it public that were dating, and then it finally came around.
I had to meet his parents.
ohhh goddddd nooo. I wasn't ready for this! Ack! Im so awkward! What if they dont like me! I was a wreck, but with good reason!
I was nervous, and when I nervous I get really quiet and shy, which I think I shall remain to be at his house for some time, but it could just be for the best.
And for those minds who are just DIEING TO KNOW. and since those of you who read this are close to me, yes we have made out.
He's good too, I give him props on that. Kudos love kudos.
But I wont go into details, they are my moments that I want to stay mine :]

This is coming to a close, but lets end it with a bang shall we?

Hun, you have no idea how much I am in love with you. I dont have words to describe it. I've never been this happy, its like on a high and I can't get enough. You make me feel safe in your arms, nothing can bother me. You make me smile and make me laugh more than anyone. People have been sitting here telling me that the age is a huge deal, I dont see it, I really dont. And I dont care, because to me, age doesnt matter at all. When I'm with you anything bothering me goes away and so does everything else, its amazing what you do to me. I've never been happier in my life, and I wanted to know that.
I love you so much, I really do.

I think Im ending this long long rant and gush, so all of you who read the whole thing,
You guys rock :]

Peace out

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