Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Fuck off.

I get it, you're depressed, in fact, I think EVERYONE fucking knows it.
If you're trying to make me look like some worthless skank, good job! you're doing it.
Just what do you want? me to fall for you? Im sorry, but I can't do that, you're pushing it farther than it needs to be.
For once, just FUCKING ONCE, I want to choose my happiness!
I want me to be happy! Me! Okay? Im tired of caring too much!
You have no idea how much it hurts to sit here and know I'm ripping you apart, but will I sacrifice my joy? FUCK NO.
Not this time.
And you know what else? He is amazing, beyond what you know, beyond what you can see. Look, Im sorry he's a friend, Im sorry you had to make the connection. I am, Im sorry.
But Im not sorry for trying to keep you from knowing the truth. Does that make it a lie? No! If I wanted to lie to you, I would have, if I didn't want to talk to you, I wouldn't. And if I really fucking hated you, I would make damn sure you knew it.

Get back on your feet for gods sake, be a man, get over it.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Could it improve?

For once? Maybe this time. Who knows? I feel happy, very happy considering. Im not quite sure whats going on

I've been told to just let what happens happen, which I dont mind. its weird.

I see the future when I think about it, see a solid future. Its odd, faces are clear, no longer blurry, dreams are crisp and new. I wonder why that is.

Perhaps its a new window in my life, a new beginning, of something big?
Maybe the beginning to what could be an actual life, instead of just breathing in and out.
I'll wait and see in the next few weeks, just what exactly it all is, I'll just have to do that.

There could really be something here, I just have to let it open up so I can know for sure.

Monday, September 7, 2009

MIrror Mirror on the wall, whos the fairest of them all?

Not me thats for sure.
Ive found that I can be a terrible person, Ive known of this though, no problem, everyone has an evil. But recently Ive seen that terrible girl act out in ways she shouldnt. Why? I dont know to be honest.

Let me see if I can explain just at least something;
Hun, to be honest. Ive been having alot of problems, lots of school work, missing my sister, being alone alot, and fighting with you. Its been way to hard, and Im so close to my breaking point I could scream.
We fight, I dont know why, but we do. I dont talk to you because I know that it leads to fighting. I dont want it, I dont, no fighting.
You're very sweet, you're a great guy, you are, but there are things that just dont work well with me.
I dont know what all they are. But its like youve forgotten how old I am. Im only 15, I cant hang out every day. I have friends that I want to see from time to time, I cant devote my time to just one person all the time. It shuts me out from everyone, like it did before when I dated ryan. I forgot about everyone else and devoted much of my time with him. He was my first boyfriend, so I acted like an idiot and did so. The second time around I want friends in my life, and its like when I tell you Im going out with a friend or Im going with my mother someplace you just get too upset. too upset for me, I just can't... I dont know take it. Now Im scared to even be around you because Im afraid we'll fight, it just doesnt feel right with all of this fighting to be over at your house. To even talk feels unnatural. There are other things, but they are difficult to explain.

Look hun Im sorry for being a bitch and ignoring you, but Im scared to talk to you out of fear knowing that soon we'll fight. Im avoiding the fighting, so Im avoiding speaking. Im sorry that isnt nice. I know it isnt and Im sorry. but Im having a hard time right now with school and family.

I dont know Jon. Part of me wants to lets everything go right now so I can finally relax and stop worrying, part of me doesnt because Ive had a good time with you, you're a great guy jonathan. right now Im having personal trouble that I dont want to talk about to anyone really.
Im sorry