Could it improve?

For once? Maybe this time. Who knows? I feel happy, very happy considering. Im not quite sure whats going on

I've been told to just let what happens happen, which I dont mind. its weird.

I see the future when I think about it, see a solid future. Its odd, faces are clear, no longer blurry, dreams are crisp and new. I wonder why that is.

Perhaps its a new window in my life, a new beginning, of something big?

Maybe the beginning to what could be an actual life, instead of just breathing in and out.

I'll wait and see in the next few weeks, just what exactly it all is, I'll just have to do that.

There could really be something here, I just have to let it open up so I can know for sure.

MIrror Mirror on the wall, whos the fairest of them all?

Not me thats for sure.

Ive found that I can be a terrible person, Ive known of this though, no problem, everyone has an evil. But recently Ive seen that terrible girl act out in ways she shouldnt. Why? I dont know to be honest.

Let me see if I can explain just at least something;

Hun, to be honest. Ive been having alot of problems, lots of school work, missing my sister, being alone alot, and fighting with you. Its been way to hard, and Im so close to my breaking point I could scream.

We fight, I dont know why, but we do. I dont talk to you because I know that it leads to fighting. I dont want it, I dont, no fighting.

You're very sweet, you're a great guy, you are, but there are things that just dont work well with me.

I dont know what all they are. But its like youve forgotten how old I am. Im only 15, I cant hang out every day. I have friends that I want to see from time to time, I cant devote my time to just one person all the time. It shuts me out from everyone, like it did before when I dated ryan. I forgot about everyone else and devoted much of my time with him. He was my first boyfriend, so I acted like an idiot and did so. The second time around I want friends in my life, and its like when I tell you Im going out with a friend or Im going with my mother someplace you just get too upset. too upset for me, I just can't... I dont know take it. Now Im scared to even be around you because Im afraid we'll fight, it just doesnt feel right with all of this fighting to be over at your house. To even talk feels unnatural. There are other things, but they are difficult to explain.

Look hun Im sorry for being a bitch and ignoring you, but Im scared to talk to you out of fear knowing that soon we'll fight. Im avoiding the fighting, so Im avoiding speaking. Im sorry that isnt nice. I know it isnt and Im sorry. but Im having a hard time right now with school and family.

I dont know Jon. Part of me wants to lets everything go right now so I can finally relax and stop worrying, part of me doesnt because Ive had a good time with you, you're a great guy jonathan. right now Im having personal trouble that I dont want to talk about to anyone really.

Im sorry

Seems we got, da na na na! bit of news! just listen to this,

I lol at kids who think they are scene and try to be cool.

Worst quote I've heard in some time,

"I think all time low is more musicly inclined than michael jackson."

Look. I wasn't a big fan of jackson,
but dude. really?


You kids need to get a life already, nobody cares who you want to swoon over at warped tour.

Jump in a lakeeee

Who have you become?

I don't know you anymore, that face that seems so familiar, is now so distant.
I'm sick of those lies, sick of all of the memories that seem so long gone.
Just who are you now? Who have you turned into?
I'm tired of hearing, "I'm a new person, you'll get used to it."
No, I really don't think I will.

I do understand, that you can move to a place and be a new person.
Trust me, I get that.
But the person you've turned into, isn't the girl I knew.
Isn't the same best friend...

Are you proud of yourself?
The girl I knew, would be disgusted with your actions.
All of the cursing, partying, fuck like shit.
God that isn't her.
Never has been to me at least.

So I ask anything left of the best friend I had, the best friend I hope is still there.
Look at yourself and honestly say, you like what you see.
Look into those eyes, and say the truth.
And if the truth is, yes, I like this natalie, and I'm not changing.
Then look at me and see the tears, see the lost forgotten eyes of someone who doesn't recongnize you.

See the past as you used to love it,
and see that past, who fears for the present.

I need them.

I need all of them.

plain and simple.

even if they dont realize it.

I love them too much to even care about how I feel anymore. So,

I need them.

Just another mind rant

I wonder where I will be in a few years.
Just what college will I go to,
what friends will I have,
how successful will I be?
Hell I don't know, its hard to decide or even think about.

I have wishes, many of them, its odd to watch them change over time.
Just who will I date? Will it be my current boyfriend? a stranger? a friend I've known while I've dated my boyfriend?
Will I change my mind on what I want to be? It could change to anything, at any time.
The friends I have now, will they keep talking? In a few years will I be anything more than just a memory?

Why is everything a mystery...
Why can't I just know what happens? Then I wouldn't have to sit here and worry constantly
Am I doing the right thing?

I hate how life is a huge mystery, and I hate being the person
who doesn't know what the fuck she's doing.

I sit here asking

all of these questions, all of these things.
I ask why people move, why people die, why people grow apart from each other.
I get no answer from some man in the sky
I get no answer from some man in the ground
I get no answer from man himself.
Why am I the way I am, who exactly helps shape who I am?
Its like I'm some piece of clay constantly being sculped.
Each artist, sits down and takes their time, until their hands are so dry, that they let a new artist try their luck.
Who are the few who tap on the artist shoulder to return to their previous work?
I dont know, I wish I did.

People are leaving, and I can't do anything about it.
Some aren't far, a few miles, maybe a city away.
But some are states away, some I will miss so much.

Some that I miss, I was extremely comfortable with, so close to.
Mr.R, Mr.H, Ms. K
Im so comfortable with them, beyond what you know.
I could walk in a room and be greeted with a hug, one that lasts longer than normal
a smiling face that asks simply how my day was, giving either sympathy or happiness with the response.
For no reason, a hand or two to hold, just because we can.
What makes the bounderies between friends? is it dating somebody else? the fact that people who are dating hold hands? hugging?
Who knows what it is, its odd to have friends who are close who I dont do that with, I want to but I dont, because I fear of what they will think.

for those of you who didnt know, dont compare to someone else in front of my face.
it makes me feel like Im just not good enough for you
Im not good enough of a friend.
I'm sorry.

~nat